Going Through Channels

Daily Picks For Wednesday, May 14, 2008

2008-05-14T10:00:25Z

Fat-Ass or Bust. Oprah (CBS, 4 PM) we're treated to part two of Lisa Ling's investigative report on a Texas Polygamous sect! Perhaps she'll reveal why they insist on dressing like they're on Little House On The Prairie?

Break out the champagne and coke! The America's Next Top Model (CW, 8 PM) finale is tonight and the SUSPENSE IS KILLING ME. All I know is that if that betch of a betch Fatima wins I will plotz in a major way. Ditto Anya, but less so. I'm rooting for you, Fat-Ass!

On Top Chef (Bravo, 10 PM) the toques try to convert fatty feasts into heart-healthy fare. Is it hot in here or is it just Spike? Oh wait, it's my broiler. Silly me!

Scandal! News broke this week that Lil' Archuleta's dad was banned from American Idol (Fox, 9 PM) rehearsals for acting generally cray-cray. If that's all it takes to get banned, I wonder what Paula's doing still hanging around? Tune in for the final three and the requisite nutso banter from Abdrool.

As someone who plots her every move based on proximity and access to pizza, I appreciate the fact that the Travel Channel's Food Paradise series will be focusing on Pizza Paradises (Travel Channel, 7 PM) tonight. Believe you me, I will be taking detailed notes for my next Pizza Vacation.

Law & Order's (NBC, 10 PM) Dennis Farina, aka Detective Fontana got busted trying to bring a loaded gun aboard a plane at LAX last week. Perhaps he's getting a little too Method for his own good. This week, Lupo, McCoy look foxy whilst trying to unravel a web of internet intrigue.

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Daily Picks For Tuesday, May 13, 2008

2008-05-13T10:00:35Z

He's bad, they're bad, everyone's bad. Dancing With the Stars is a family show. But the pros will be ballroom dancing to a medley of Michael Jackson songs. Oh, I was going to make a joke about Samantha already being a zombie and set for the "Thriller" portion, but it just seemed too obvious. (ABC, 9 PM)

On a show where "you crazy bitch" is a term of endearment, in a season where someone has already been sent to jail, is it possible for The Bad Girls Club have a season finale that will be surprising and out of control? Hell yeah, if Tanisha has anything to say about it. The loudmouth pan banger and the rest of the gals are around for one last wild episode. Hold on to your hats. (Oxygen, 10 PM)

In the year's least anticlimactic episode of American Idol, Syesha, David and David sing three songs (one chosen by the producers, one by the judges, one they pick... same thing as every other year. Toughest part of the whole night is that Syesha is going to have to plaster a smile on her face and pretend like she doesn't know she's going home on Wednesday. (FOX, 8 PM)

Do you watch NCIS? If so can you please explain the appeal to me? I just don't really get it. Even hot guy from Dark Angel isn't enough to make me watch an episode. Maybe I'm just missing something. Well, if you do watch tonight someone is the only witness or something to a murder or whatever. (CBS, 8 PM)

I miss Extras. I really, really, really do. And the series finale was so beautifully crafted that I can't even think of a snarky thing to say about it. I mean a show that gets George Michael to poke fun at himself? Genius. Watch it if you haven't. Watch it again if you have. (HBO2, 3:30 PM)

If you are not a geek, or geekily inclined, you can just stop reading now. But if you like movies, video games or random pop culture junk, you need to be watching G4's Attack of the Show, I mostly watch for hot host Kevin who tells me how to use my iPod, but his co-host Olivia is rather sexy, if you swing that way. The duo go head-to-head all week in little head-to-head battles and well, in between all of the goofing around you might actually learn something, or not.]]>

Daily Picks For Monday, May 12, 2008

2008-05-12T12:48:43Z

Britney, a Brit and Bones How I Met You Mother, and she's all flirty with Barney in order to get back at Ted. Cute and Southern Britney is fine, but she's way more interesting when she's shaving her head or wielding a baseball bat. (CBS, 8:30 PM)

If you don't want to watch Britney, you can watch some dopey British guy pick between two desperate women on The Bachelor finale (yup, that show is still on.) Some bitches named Chelsea and Shayne vie for the final rose, but it is really hard to muster anything remotely related to enthusiasm at this point. (ABC, 10 PM)

If they had to kill an American Idol, did they really have to make it Ace Young? I guess his career is already dead, so this is an improvement, but really couldn't they have made it like Archuleta or Constantine? Instead Bones offs the one time Idol contestant and a fangirl starts stalking Booth. Can't say that we blame her. Angel (not me, the vampire one) is so sexy in a suit. (FOX, 8 PM)

OMG! Serena killed someone and Gossip Girl just took fucked up to a whole new level. Never thought I'd be thanking God for the revelation that is Michelle Trachtenberg. Her bitchtastic performance totally makes up for the time when she was a whiny Dawn and I wanted to smack her for a whole season. (CW, 8 PM)

Before the Olympics come and everyone gets all touchy about the use of steroids, indulge in American Gladiators a show where the don't care about such trivial things. Instead enormously muscled and sweaty people beat the hell out of each other with paddles and such. Good times. (NBC, 8 PM)

It's the Samantha Who? finale and Guess What? She puts Todd on the back burner, again, because of like her moral issue with the fact that's he's still dating Chloe. Whatever. Can we get her back together with hot Timothy Olyphant instead? (ABC, 9:30 PM)

Mike Rowe gets up close and personal with his poultry as a turkey inseminator on Dirty Jobs. Huh. Do they use a turkey baster to get turkeys pregnant or do they use something smaller like a cornish game hen baster? Either way, I'm sure it is utterly disgusting. (9 PM, DISC)]]>

Weekend Picks For Saturday, May 10 and Sunday, May 11, 2008

2008-05-10T11:00:41Z

Happy Moms' Day, suckas! 10 Most Compelling Mama Dramas (E!, Saturday, 6 PM). Britney? Anna Nicole? The gang's all here!

On a new episode of Saturday Night Live (NBC, Saturday 11:30), porn-mustachio'd jail bait Shia LeBarf will flex his comedic muscles, joined by musical guest My Morning Jacket .

Clearly whoever is responsible for the new pet-grooming reality show Groomer Has It (Animal Planet, Saturday, 9 PM) took a pun and ran with it.Way, way too far, perhaps. But we love Jai Rodriguez, who's hosting. And we loved Best In Show. And we love dogs. So it's got three things going for it right there. Which is three more things than Farmer Wants A Wife.

Well this season of Survivor (CBS, Sunday, 8 PM) didn't go exactly as planned now did it? Instead of a fierce showdown between newbies and old-pros, it was a battle of the sexes where only the smart survived. But given that there have been some of the most idiotic moves and biggest blindsides of all time -- we're looking in at your cushy jury seats Erik and Ozzy -- this finale has the potential to be really good and catty. With four women vying for the top spot, it is only a matter of time until the claws come out... or at least we hope so. Because if there aren't some major bitch-fights, this is going to be the most boring three hours on television. -- Angel Cohn

Hot Jew Alert!* Ira Glass and his fine intellectual ass will be premiering a new season of This American Life (Showtime, Sunday, 10 PM).

*Relax! I am allowed to say this: I, too, am one of God's Chosen People ]]>

Daily Picks For Friday, May 9, 2008

2008-05-09T10:00:39Z

You're not fooling anyone. We know you don't have plans tonight. Millionaire Matchmaker (Bravo, 4 PM). On the one hand, I think the premise of the show is really gross, but I am also fascinated by the supreme levels of both wealth and dorkiness that the Millionaire's Club clients display. I have a similarly ambivalent opinion of MC owner/central character Patti Stanger, in that I vacillate between thinking she's a loony yenta and loving that she's so blunt and unapologetic and vulgar. Perhaps this handy marathon sesh will get me sorted.

Speaking of money-grubbing dickheads, VH1 tackles a topic both timely and socially relevant with its Celebrity Prenups (VH1, 10:30 PM) special. Ahem, Mimi Carey. I'm talkin' to you!

Mystery! Suspense! Math? Meh, why the hell not? I've crushed on Rob Morrow since his Northern Exposure days and he can talk me into pretty much anything, even sitting through an episode of Numb3rs (CBS, 10 PM). See what they did there with the three? Clever!

Have you ever wondered what those little blue specks on your Cool Ranch Doritos are made from? Or what they put in Cheez Whiz that makes it so delicious? Of course you have, or else you wouldn't be at home by yourself on a Friday night pondering what's on television. Rip into that package of Ho-Ho's and tune into Modern Marvels: Snackfood Tech (The History Channel 12 AM) and educate that fat ass of yours.

If there's one person with even wittier things to say about pop-culture non-events than me, it's Joel McHale, whom incidentally I have a total heart-on for. Which is why I encourage you to watch this week's installment of The Soup (E!, 10 PM)

If you haven't already gotten hip to the greatness of the sci-fi epic Battlestar Galactica (Sci Fi, 10 PM), you need to rectify that situation -- NOW. Friendly tip from you to me: Nerds = very now.

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Daily Picks For Thursday, May 8, 2008

2008-05-08T10:25:28Z

Touch your nose, Gary Dourdan. that young, people! I can't help that I'm precocious!), you too will revel in 40 Hottest Hotties of the Nineties (VH1, 4 PM), a long-overdue opportunity to bask in the unrivaled hotness of Luke Perry, LL Cool J, Tupac and the like. True story: When I was in eighth grade, I called information to get the phone number for the Chelsea Hotel in the hopes that they'd connect me with Ethan Hawke's room. They didn't.

Love it or hate it, Scrubs (NBC, 8:30 PM) might be singing its swan song tonight if ABC fails to save it from certain death at NBC. After seven years, Zach Braff's ugly mug has acquired a certain comforting familiarity -- like a hideous pair of holey sweatpants that you'd never be caught dead wearing but that you like to curl up in when you're feeling extra PMS-y. Not that I'd know. Because duh, I don't watch Scrubs. Nor to I own the aforementioned sweat pants. So shut up.

Scandal! The nurses institute a Date-and-Tell policy on Grey's Anatomy (ABC, 9 PM) in response to Mark's slatternly ways. Because it's ok to sleep with a herpes carrier, but you certainly don't want your health-care professional to be one.

More evil scheming and hairy pits abound on Survivor (CBS, 8 PM). Now that only one dude remains, the ladies try to use the Power of the Poon to get him ousted. Seriously this shit is beginning to seem more and more like Milf Island with each passing week.

The plot on this week's CSI (CBS, 9 PM) involves the death of a sitcom actress in Vegas. But I'll be tuning in to stare fixedly into Gary Dourdan's pupils to try and determine how many drugs he has in his system.

If the progeny of music vets like Joe Walsh and Olivia Newton-John had actual talent, presumably they wouldn't be attempting to launch their careers by appearing on Rock the Cradle (MTV, 10 PM). Not to mention no sane person would exploit her relationship to MC Hammer in the hopes that it would help her musical career. But naked desperation does make for amusing TV, so whatever.

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Daily Picks For Wednesday, May 7, 2008

2008-05-07T10:47:31Z

You wanna be on top? America's Next Top Model (The CW, 8 PM). The Trannie, the Albino, the Clit-less Wonder and Fat-Ass remain. For this week's loser, my money's on old Thunder Thighs, whom Paulina seems to have had it in for since Day One. Also on this episode, Noted Fashion Photographer (of my loins) Nigel Barker dresses the girls up as old-time screen sirens, and presumably Tyra spouts more pricelessly bat-shit quotables.

If I ever found myself by some cruel twist of fate having to choose one retarded game show to watch on a constant loop for all eternity -- and the likelihood that this could happen is very real, people - I probably wouldn't pick The Price Is Right Million Dollar Spectacular (CBS, 8 PM). [FYI: It'd probably be Finders Keepers.] But on the spectrum of shows that make me want to gouge my eyes out with meat hooks, it rates far less soul-sucking than My Dad's Better Than Your Dad. Which is saying something, I guess.

I'm still recovering from adorable Kiwi Mark's summary dismissal on last week's Top Chef (Bravo, 10 PM), but because I care about you, I'm soldiering on. (What is it about New Zealand and its exceedingly shaggable populace?) Personally, I'm stoked that four out of the six finalists are ladies, because if you ask me it's time somebody with a 'gina wins TC. But at this point I'll settle for anyone who isn't assface Andrew.

Full disclosure: I have never seen Tristram Shandy: A Cock and Bull Story (IFC, 9 pm). But I want to. And so should you. Why? Because the trailer for it made it look like a kooky, silly romp rife with British humor. And because, despite a wrong-headed fling with Courtney Love, Steve Coogan is still the tits.

The Real World (MTV, 10 PM) is now entering its 9,873,088,900th season, and like a fine wine aged in an oak barrel, it will totally make you hurl with excess consumption. This week, the kids try to stage an intervention to help confessed booze-hound Joey handle his scandal. What would really help is if he just admitted he was gay and laid off the steroids. Meanwhile stripper and former meth-head Brianna goes back to Philly to face charges stemming from a brawl with her ex-bf. Seriously, where do they find these people? It's like watching Cops: Life Inside Ikea.

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Daily Picks For Tuesday, May 6, 2008

2008-05-06T06:00:10Z

People of the world...spice up your life. In the most self-congratulatory episode of Dancing With the Stars ever, the show celebrates its 100th episode. Which considering that it is on usually two or three nights a week isn't really all that impressive... but whatever. I'm sure Samantha's head will explode from all the excitement. This super special installment will have stars of season's past and Mario Lopez showing off the fact that he's on Broadway. And something named a Rascal Flatts performing. I'm just going to fast-forward through all of that crap, because Mel and Maks are back! Though their appearance may just serve as a depressing reminder that this season is filled with tediously boring people. But hey, at least one of the boring folks will be axed tonight. (ABC, 9PM)

If the commercials for this week's Hell's Kitchen are to be believed, Gordon's screaming his head off because someone serves a 16-year-old birthday girl raw meat. Seriously? Isn't someone quality checking this stuff before it goes out? Isn't that what he's usually ranting about? Eh, nothing says Happy Sweet Sixteen like a nice bout of food poisoning, though this is probably what is deserved when you agree to leave your party in the hands of chefs with questionable experience who are cooking on a reality show. (FOX, 9 PM)

Wait, wait, wait. Andi finally realizes that she's in love with Sam after a whole season of flirting on Reaper. She just came to an understanding about his part-time job hunting down souls that have escaped from hell and now she decides to ditch him for her ex-boyfriend. Why do I think the devil has something to do with this? (CW, 9 PM)

Whenever I'm in need for some transport across New York City, I'm on the lookout for the Cash Cab, so I can win some money and impress the bald but beautiful Ben Bailey with my super trivia knowledge. I've got to be smarter than some of the moronic folks who get picked up and then dumped on the side of the road when they prove to be too stupid for words. Though I guess it is easy to be smug from the comfort of my cozy couch. (DISC, 6 PM)

Why watch American Idol for the next two weeks? Everyone knows it is going to come down to a showdown between the Davids. So save your ears from "music from the Rock 'n' Roll Hall of Fame" and watch former Idol wannabe Jennifer Hudson sing out in her Oscar winning Dreamgirlsrole. I am telling you... do yourself a favor and watch it. (HBO, 9:30 PM)

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Daily Picks For Monday, May 5, 2008

2008-05-05T10:00:04Z

The way Madge was . . . Desperately Seeking Susan (E Love, 3:15 PM). There were no African adoptions or Britney kisses . . . . there was only The Groove.

When Dancing With the Stars (ABC, 8 PM) contestant Christian de la Fuente sustained an injury on last week's show, the news got more ink than the Pope's visit to America. So I feel I owe it to myself and my future children to tune in this week and find out his fate. And maybe also to learn who the fuck he is.

The delicate balance of good and evil in the Gossip Girl (CW, 8 PM) universe continues to be threatened by the recent arrival of naughty Georgina Sparks, who we wager is getting ready to unveil a Serena sex-tape. This is just our theory. Meanwhile, Nate slums it with his brand new Boho ho, Vanessa. Aw, it's a modern-day Cinderella story you guys!

Sure, the premise of How I Met Your Mother (CBS, 8:30) purports to tell the story of how Ted finds his one true love. So this week there's some blah blah regarding his new relationship with the hot dermatologist. But everyone knows you watch to guffaw at Barney's blatant misogyny and Marshall's bumbling goofiness. Or at least I do. And that's what's important to remember.

You know that odd rush you get from watching people get humiliated or injured or otherwise metaphorically castrated? Like when you watch, say, Hell's Kitchen or something? Intervention (A&E, 8 PM)does not provide that sort of rush. But it does make you grateful that you are comparatively not-fucked-up, while simultaneously ensuring that you will never, ever consider using meth recreationally. Now that's what I call good television.

The Hills (MTV, 10 PM) are alive with the sound of bitch-fights! The Audrina-Lo showdown gathers momentum, and a familial pissing match between Spencer and She-Pratt comes to a head. And in her smartest move to date, Heidi peaces out to Vegas, where all fugly plastic hacks go to die. She'll fit right in!

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Weekend Picks For Saturday, May 3 and Sunday, May 4, 2008

2008-05-03T13:00:25Z

This weekend is magic. know the book version of Everything Is Illuminated (HBO2, Saturday, 1:30 PM) is allegedly way better than the movie. Blah blah blah. Guess what? I am functionally illiterate. And/or lazy. Whatever. Any opportunity to see Elijah Wood as a non-Hobbit (or, like, as non-Hobbitty as he can be at his diminutive stature) is sort of refreshing. Also, good: An excellent performance by Gogol Bordello singer Eugene Hutz.

Magic is sooo hot right now. The Prestige (E MYSTERY, Saturday, 10:20 AM) was released in the fall of 2006, is set in turn of the century Europe, and stars former Justin Timberlake flame Scarlett Johansson. The Illusionist (E LOVE, Saturday, 10:20 AM) was released in the fall of 2006, is set in turn of the century Europe, and stars current Justin Timberlake flame Jessica Biel. Here's a fun game: Flip back and forth between the two and let me know if you can perceive any demonstrable difference between the two.

The True Life franchise has perfected the art of what I like to call pop-anthropology. And in easy-to-digest half-hour nuggets, no less. I like to think they appeal to my intellectual and severely ADD side. So I'm giving you permission to hunker down for this marathon and write it off as an educational exercise. (MTV2, Sunday, 3:30 AM)

OMG you guys, the "civil war" rages on on Keeping Up With the Kardashians (E!, Sunday, 10 PM). Blackberries are hurled, ski trips are imperiled and Bruce Jenner raises his voice above an emasculated squawk. Here's hoping a bloody coup d'etat ensues!

If you have yet to accept that Family Guy (Fox, Sunday, 9 PM) is one of the funniest shows on air right now, either you've been chained up in an Austrian basement for the last seventeen years or you're on more mind-altering substances than Paula Abdul. Either way, you're beyond my help.

To make up for all the dumb crapola you've watched this weekend, you might consider listening to some Beethoven. Or reading some Kant. Or you could just redeem yourself by watching classy, quality TV in the form of Brothers and Sisters (ABC, Sunday, 10 PM). It's got one of those fancy "ensemble" casts. And didn't Sally Field win like an Oscar or some shit?

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Daily Picks For Friday, May 2, 2008

2008-05-02T10:00:08Z

Unleash your inner trash-o-phile. Singles (Oxygen, 10 AM). Be not ashamed! Grunge is coming back! Then feast your eyes on the artfully stringy haired coiffures of hot slackers Winona Ryder and Ethan Hawke in Reality Bites (E Love, 1:45 PM). And to wind things down, gay out with the excellent Unzipped, a documentary on Gen X designer extraordinaire Isaac Mizrahi (TMCX, 11 AM).

The latest celebrity catfight pits Ashley Olsen against Lindsay Lohan. Allegedly, Lilo screamed at Ashley to get her "fifteen-year old Full House ass" away from her girlfriend Samantha Ronson. It's moments like these that make life worth living. Not sure who to side with? Watch Lohan emote opposite Jane Fonda in Georgia Rule (MoMax, 9 AM), then catch a full hour's-worth of Ashley as Michelle Tanner on the aforementioned Full House (ABC Family, 12 PM).

Which grossly overexposed celebrity family is trashier? The uber-tanned, peroxide-tressed Hogans or the dark, exotic, and incredibly whiny Kardashians? Ponder these pressing questions whilst watching the Hogan Knows Best (VH1, 12 PM) and Keeping Up With the Kardashians (E!, 3 PM) marathons, respectively.

Surly, sunken-cheeked celebu-chef Anthony Bourdain goes where others fear to tread and consumes truly gnarly grub on Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations (Travel, 1 pm). And still manages to remain utterly boinkable. Oh, Tony. What I wouldn't give to fork you!

VH1 has decided to cash in on our national obsession with pretty, moneyed fuck-ups (Us Weekly, Gossip Girl, etc. ) with Young, Rich and Out of Control (VH1, 5 PM). And we love them for it.

If you loved Carrie or hated your prom or both, you'll want to peep THS Investigates: Prom Nightmares (E!, 8 PM). I'm failing to see what is "Hollywood" about a collection of tabloid news-style vignettes about prom-night murders. Not that I'm complaining.

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Daily Picks For Thursday, May 1, 2008

2008-05-01T10:00:06Z

"Celebrity" cameo bonanza ... Project Runway wunderkind Christian Siriano makes his much-anticipated cameo on Ugly Betty this evening, along with P-Run judge (and recently fired Elle Magazine editrix) Mean-a Garcia. We wonder: Will it be fierce? Flawless? Fabulous? Some magical combination of the three? (ABC, 8 PM)

Tune into this week's episode of Step It Up & Dance for an inexplicable cameo by Seinfeld alum and KFC shiller Jason Alexander, perhaps the least athletic-looking actor since Jackie Gleason (Bravo, 10 PM).

Whether you feel like commiserating over a dumb-dumb boss or just think John Krasinski is a hot piece of arse, there's no shortage of reasons to watch this new episode of The Office, in which Steve Carrell's unwaveringly clueless Michael Scott makes another foiled attempt to win his co-workers' love. (NBC, 9 PM)

Prepare yourself for more pants-pooping suspense and all-around intense craziness on this week's episode of Lost. Does Jack have the Bubonic plague? Or just a bad case of the Clap? Is Alex really dead? Or were those blanks in the bad guy's gun? So many questions to answer. So little Xanax. (ABC, 10 PM)

At 30 Rock, Liz Lemon contends with an ex-boyfriend and Jack Donaghy continues his quest for supremacy at NBC. And as per usual, we expect an embarrassment of bons mots from Kenneth the Page and Tracy Jordan. Though we're still waiting for this season's equivalent of "Werewolf Bar Mitzvah." (NBC, 9:30 PM)

File under: Weirdest premise for a reality show. Yes, weirder than Farmer Wants a Wife (but with a much better name). On Celebracadabra, celebrity contestants pair off with professional magicians. This marks celeb contestant Carnie Wilson's 83rd foray into the world of reality programming. Oh, and for you film buffs: Illusionist David Friedman appeared with his cuckoo-banana family in the 2003 child-porn documentary Capturing the Friedmans. Creepy. (VH1, 11:05 PM)

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Daily Picks For Wednesday, April 30, 2008

2008-04-30T12:56:14Z

Farmer wants some TV recommendations. From the department of dubious list shows, VH1 presents the 40 Greatest Pranks. Somewhere on there has to be the existence of this show, right? (VH1, 7 PM)

It's seems weird that the networks are still dragging out strike-era programming into prime time now that all the scripted shows have made it back to prime time, but here were are, watching the Price Is Right Million Dollar Spectacular. Also, doesn't The Price Is Right seem like an awfully old-fashioned way to win a million? That's a lot of retail-priced Rice-A-Roni. (CBS, 8 PM)

Speaking of strike programming that we're inexplicably still getting, The CW insists on foisting Farmer Wants A Wife upon us. (CW, 8 PM)

The plot synopsis for America's Next Top Model says the remaining contestants will "train like gladtiators" in order to win a shopping spree in Rome. It's like history is coming alive! (CW, 8 PM)

Seeing as it's what everybody's talking about today, expect to see some sort of explanation of Paula Abdul's time-traveling gaffe tonight on American Idol. Seeing as said explanation will likely not contain the word "oxycontin," take it with the appropriate grain of salt.

I'm not sure who I'm rooting for this season on Top Chef, but for now I'm busy rooting against Spike. And Richard. And Andrew. And Lisa. And...is her name Nikki? Rooting for people to lose may seem petty, but your chances of being pleased with the results of the show increase dramatically, so... (Bravo, 10 PM) ]]>

Daily Picks For Tuesday, April 29, 2008

2008-04-29T06:44:39Z

Everywhere around the world...they're coming to Archuleta. In my (man, many) instances of recommending Will & Grace in this space, I've no doubt made my feelings clear on the subject of Harry Connick Jr.'s Leo. Those feelings being fffthhhhhbbbbbt! Lucky for me today's episode kicks off the arc with Woody Harrelson as Nathan, the preferred person to put up with Grace's massive bullshit. (Lifetime, 11 AM)

You know, of all those mid-to-late-1990s shows that shoehorned some sort of performance venue into the show so as to attract cross-promotable music acts -- The Peach Pit After Dark on 90210, P3 on Charmed -- Melrose Place was probably the most awkward and ill-fitting, particularly once Amanda Woodward dipped her toes into the niteclub business. Anyway, check out the totally seamless Sean Lennon (Sean Lennon!) cameo in this afternoon's episode. (SOAP, 11 AM)

No, it's not exactly an event when Kathy Griffin stand-up specials show up on the Bravo schedule, but I love her, and you know she totally Googles herself, so my new plan that I just put together right now is to continue to plug her TV appearances in this space until she caves and emails me and grants an interview. Project Kathy Griffin begins...now: watch Allegedly this afternoon. The Martha Stewart "white sale" bit alone is worth the DVR space. (Bravo, 1 PM)

Teri Hatcher can do seven more seasons of Desperate Housewives and still never come close to the cultural impact of "They're real and they're spectacular." Seinfeld's "The Implant" will endure. (TBS, 5:30 PM)

It's not the apocalypse, it's just a sad commentary on the economic realities of the music industry: Neil Diamon shows up on American Idol (FOX, 8 PM), followed by Def Lepard on Dancing With The Stars. Fingers crossed for Steve Perry to show up as a pervert on Law & Order: SVU! (ABC, 9 PM)

Two episodes in and I've already become exhausted by Work Out. But I'm always ready to see Brian Peeler get taken down a peg in his he-man endeavors, and the previews for tonight's episode suggests I won't be disappointed. (Bravo, 10 PM) ]]>

Daily Picks For Monday, April 28, 2008

2008-04-28T12:49:26Z

Dawn's causing trouble. Must be...uh, Monday. It's probably cruel to offer Ferris Beuller's Day Off just as your work week is beginning, but I guess the idea is that if you're home at 10:45 to watch this, you've already made some decisions about that anyway. (AMC, 10:45 AM)

Retarded Bimbo Alert! Kaley Cuoco, late of the final season of Charmed and currently on The Big Bang Theory, shows up on The View. The jokes about Sherri Shepherd and "The Big Bang Theory" tend to write themselves, so I invite you to take your best shot. (ABC, 11 AM)

On How I Met Your Mother, Barney must deal with the fallout from the makeout with Robin that closed last week's episode. Man, Ted better shut up, Barney and Robin are awesome together! (CBS, 8:30 PM)

I have a feeling this is about where I stop calling Michelle Trachtenberg "Dawn Summers." She shows up on Gossip Girl as the mysterious "G" who sent Serena all those vice-themed presents. The idea is that everybody has something to fear from her return to the Upper East Side. Except for us! (CW, 8 PM)

Looks like this week's Greek sees Rusty trying to pick up the dating scene again after his heartbreak at the hands of the dastardly Jen K. DAMN YOU, JEN K! WE THOUGHT YOU WERE SPECIAL! (ABC Family, 8:30 PM)

Okay, I'm going to try to remain calm and cool about this whole thing, but tonight's The Hills is the first time we'll have seen Stephen Colletti since Laguna Beach. I feel appropriately ashamed that I know his last name, but not more ashamed than for the fact that I am totally pulling for him and Lauren to get together. Come on you two kids! (MTV, 10 PM) ]]>